I'm alive.
It was a rather long time I thought I was not. Floating in a gray matter of apathy, unable of enjoying simple things like breathing fresh air or laughing with loved ones. Was it loneliness or just a nameless suffering, looked like depression- and why am I using the past tense to describe "it"?
"It" is still with me. Just I know now, that everything has not died in me yet. It might be a phase of my spiritual growth to feel depressed without any clear reasons.
Recently, I heard two opposite narrations from two deaths, from two people who went through death and came back again. One described death like a joyful feast and the after-death so beautiful and glorious, the other saw it dark, gloomy and scary, an unbearable regret and disappointment.
The first narrator was a young lady, an innocent soul, clean and bright. She couldn't do wrong to anyone.
The second one was a lost soul... An alcoholic, confused poor guy.
I'm thinking deep thoughts...
........
This is an inner crisis- has no external trigger factors.
........
This is an inner crisis- has no external trigger factors.
It can express the appropriate feelings for the situation that it is in, but as soon as it leaves the situation, the feelings disappear back into the silence. There seems to be no going back to the old sense of ego.
The big question is, why does this happen? Should we call it plain old-fashioned depression, or could it be connected to some kind of positive transformation of energy taking place in the psyche? Three possibilities suggest themselves: psychological development, enlightenment, and contemplation. Some examples of this loss of the affective ego seem to be connected to prior spiritual practice. It is almost as if the counsels to practice detachment that are found in so many religious traditions are no longer active things that we attempt to do, but we are suffering some kind of process of detachment that has a life of its own.
